In doing research for a towboat review I was writing, I got drawn into the worm hole of the Internet and ended up leafing through its owner’s manual online. It read more like a release of liability waiver than a manual. The first half of the book was dedicated to telling you everything that can go wrong while boating. It didn’t have anything to do with the boat, but rather with boating. Running aground, storms, rough water, etc. And this was for a towboat? When was the last time you saw wakeboarders trying to ride out breaking waves in a storm?
It also was interesting to see how many people these boats were supposed to accommodate. Seventeen people in a 23-foot towboat? Maybe if they’re Lilliputians, but not actual people. I’ve never understood seating capacity ratings. They always seemed excessive. If you loaded your boat with as many people as the manufacturers said you could, boating wouldn’t be any fun. It’d be like walking in Manhattan at rush hour.
Let’s take a look at some more pieces of advice with a high Duh Factor.
1. Because it was a towboat, the first warning advised against “teak surfing,” which is when people hold onto the swim platform while being dragged behind the boat. It made me wonder how many knuckleheads are out there doing this. If there’s a warning in the manual, there must have been at least one who did. A Darwin award winner, for sure.
2. “The boat owner is legally responsible for damages or injuries he or she causes. Common sense dictates that you carry adequate personal liability and property damage insurance on your boat, just as you would on your automobile.” Common sense dictates that anyone who can afford a boat already knows this. Why is this in an owner’s manual?!
3. While we’re on the subject of warning labels, there are a couple of pages devoted solely to showing owners where they can find the warning labels on their boat. Have you been aboard a new boat recently? The warning labels are everywhere. There are so many of them that they ugly up the whole interior the boat. The lawyers and insurance companies are winning.
4. I especially love the part in the manual about conserving fishery resources. It advises owners to keep “only what you will eat by practicing catch and release.” That’s a good practice, but whoever put that passage in a towboat manual obviously has never met a wakeboarder.
5. Here’s some more wisdom from the manual: “While fueling up the boat, extinguish all cigarettes and other flame or spark-producing items.” Does anyone smoke while he’s fueling up anything? Really? Please, save us from ourselves.
6. This one even I don’t believe: The manual actually instructs new owners that “turn wheel to right— stern will move to left.” Yes, really.
7. Here’s another favorite from the engine maintenance section: “Always use dipstick to determine exact quantity of oil required.” As opposed to… what, exactly? Has anyone, anywhere ever used anything other than a dipstick to determine oil level? There had to have been one, but he probably set himself on fire while he was enjoying a smoke and refueling. Since he’s not with us any more, this part about the dipstick is no longer needed.
Bonus: I didn’t read this in the towboat owner’s manual, but I have to mention the warning stickers I’ve often seen on jet boats and personal watercraft, usually near the nozzles. They instruct the boater that severe internal injuries can occur if body cavities are exposed to the force of a jet. And yes, some of the labels go ahead and name the orifices, just in case we don’t know what they’re called. The lesson is clear: Do not back your own stern toward the stern of a jet boat just as the driver is gunning the throttle.
Boating is supposed to be fun. At least I thought it was, but as I was reading the owner’s manual, it seemed like about half of it was doom and gloom. So, if you find yourself in possession of a new or used boat that comes with a manual, go ahead and read it. But skim the gloom, use the index to get right to what you need — and don’t say I didn’t warn you.
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